Why Are You Crying, My Darling?

We all know that kindness feels good, but it is when we face challenges that we most keenly remember its value. A kind word from someone means so much more when we need it. And while most of us manage perfectly on our own when all is well, it is when we feel vulnerable that we truly know why someone’s loving presence by our side makes all the difference.

I still remember my mother’s voice asking me in my childhood: “Why are you crying, my darling?” It was a simple question that made everything right. Behind it, there was full attention, unconditional acceptance, genuine appreciation, and unwavering love, effortlessly expressed in everything she did and said.

The insight about the healing power of kindness lies at the core of the four principles espoused by the Chopra Foundation’s Never Alone movement, based in the teachings of Dr. Deepak Chopra. The “four As,” as they are often referred to, are attention, acceptance, appreciation, and affection.

These four simple words summarize what nourishes a human soul—they are a prescription to remember at times when you feel that the garden of your humanity has begun to dry out and you are sinking into loneliness and depression.

What can we do for ourselves and each other, so we can bloom again? One answer is to practice the “four As” as often as we can, perhaps daily, and allow them to change us. Here is how to do it:

The First Practice: Attention

Giving attention to something confirms and strengthens its existence. If nobody notices you, you will start to feel invisible, even more so if you don’t notice yourself. Attention is the first requirement for well-being, and as our personal capacity for attention is finite, it is important that we prioritize.

Ask yourself how much attention you give every day to your own being and the people you love. Daily life can be demanding, and our moments can easily be filled with work, entertainment, social media, technology, finances or politics.

But in order for you to grow and thrive as a person, you need to notice how you think and feel, how your body is faring, what you are doing, what you want to be and do, and how you relate to other beings.

You can do the same for everyone you care about. Giving attention to yourself and your loved ones is a great gift and the first step to strengthening well-being. As we practice attention, we naturally begin to notice both the good and the challenging aspects of ourselves and others, and that’s where the second practice begins.

The Second Practice: Acceptance

One of the main reasons why we don’t pay attention is the fear of seeing all those less bright qualities, thoughts, feelings and behaviors. We all want to seem perfect, and it is tempting to try to ignore and hide anything less.

This is where acceptance comes into play. Accepting ourselves and others as we are is an incredibly healing and nourishing thing to do. In our chase for imagined perfection, we can easily become judgmental, rejecting important parts of ourselves and others, such that makes us authentic and unique.

But there can be no connection to what we resist and reject. The gift of acceptance is the reintegration of everything we are, and we allow our wholeness as soon as we accept that it’s already there. As we practice acceptance, we open the door to a deeper level of connection: appreciation.

The Third Practice: Appreciation

The reasons why people don’t express more sincere appreciation for themselves and their loved ones can be many. Even if we have accepted everything in ourselves and others, we can be busy, shy, afraid that praise will sound false, or we might believe that knowing one’s value should be a given for everyone.

But appreciation not felt and not expressed can be the water not given to a thirsty, drying plant.

For sure, offering appreciation is a matter of finesse and timing. Too much, too soon, or not sincere enough can scare or push people away. Praising someone can seem patronizing, and finding a good verbal or non-verbal way to appreciate yourself or others can be difficult.

Don’t let these challenges discourage you. While people who are confident about their value and purpose don’t need appreciation, they will still welcome positive, honest feedback and appreciative gestures. And there is always a chance that appreciation finds someone at moments when they are less confident or are stepping into a new phase of self-expression. That is when people need and welcome every drop.

Step by step you can learn how to give, and also how to gracefully receive appreciation, because it is the antidote to loneliness and separation, a vital ingredient for individual and collective self-esteem and togetherness. As we cultivate appreciation, we naturally move towards an even deeper level of connection: affection.

The Fourth Practice: Affection

Shall we call it love? Love is a complicated term that can feel unreachable or even threatening to many people. The word affection is enough to describe the feeling in our heart, the warm openness, the outflow of kindness connecting us to ourselves and each other as soon as we notice, accept and appreciate.

This is the actual nourishment we all need to find within ourselves or temporarily borrow from each other in order to live well and thrive. This is what our world needs in order to heal.

Maybe you are too scared to feel and express more love, but you may feel safe enough to start offering affection. A soft tone of voice, a gentle glance or touch, or simply thinking kindly of someone—even a little affection has immense positive effects. By practicing it you will truly understand its power.

Bringing It All Together

If opening your heart is new to you, or you haven’t done it in a very long time, you might need to go slowly and practice one principle at a time. But the more comfortable you become living like this, the more your attention will be infused with acceptance, appreciation and affection, all at once.

I hope you will remember the “four As“, because they provide a powerful framework for healing and nurturing ourselves and our relationships. By practicing these principles, we can free ourselves of restrictions to happiness, restore the spaciousness of our hearts, and create a more compassionate and connected world.

And if you are courageous enough to go where few people dare, I invite you to read my article about why and how to open your heart to people whom you absolutely don’t love.